And you wonder why I am still single

Please tell me these are jokes:

Hi. I'm married, which is why I have on this wedding dress. I only want friends because, well, I'm married. I love my husband I swear, but I posted a personal ad because I want to make some guy friends. I swear that's all I'm doing because I'm married.

Wanted: Woman who will love my body as much as I love my body. Must be proficient with tape measurer, especially in the area of bicep management (which is hard for me to do for myself). I would like you to have as fine a body as I do, but, then again, you wish your body was as fine as mine too!

Help! My hand is stuck this way from too much...well, it's just stuck this way. I need a girlfriend according to my doctor. That or to become ambidexterous.

Baby, you know you want me! Let me take you back in time, about 20 years back. Feel my heat baby! I bet you'll look sweet in my Monsters of Rock t-shirt, if you're worthy of it that is. Must be comfortable living in basement and spending lots of time in the garage with me and the band. Prefer stripper, but willing to consider porn stars.

My previous "boyfriend" is going to be gone for 3-5 years. In the mean time, I am looking for a new guy that can help me "manage". I am definitely a "night person". In fact, I am quite the "lady of the evening". If interested, meet me outside the 7-11 on Elm.