As you can see, I'm a top

Ladies, your dreams have come true. Yes, I am available again. Of course it will take the right kind of gal. I am very close to my friends, so you just have to accept that. Jealousy is so unbecoming. Frankly I don't see what the big deal is. So I have bi 3-ways on my boat with my pals? I just can't believe that is so odd. I bet most guys do it. Maybe they SAY they don't, but you know they really do.

Tell me what you and your friends do when you hang out on a boat, in the forums.

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It's not as kinky as it sounds

You know what I like? I like doggie style. In fact, I am so in to doggie style that I got this dog bed at Wal Mart. I think if you are going to do something you really should go all the way. I also like sex in the shower. In fact, it's almost as good as doggie style! What really makes my day is when I get to have doggie style IN the shower. Yes, it is a pain in the ass to get the dog bed dry after a couple of throw-downs in the shower, but it's worth it. But that is why I have posted my ad. I am looking for a guy with a really big dryer to make it easier. Oh, and if you have some rubber sheets, 2 chickens and a watermelon patch, that would really kick ass.

Tell us about what you do for fun in the forums.

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Achtung, baby!

I am looking for a lady who would like to help me establish the Fourth Reich. Can you be my little Eva Braun? I am fond of German Shephards, small blonde children and exterminating other races. I live a strict vegitarian lifestyle, don't drink and don't smoke. I do have a rather nasty speed habit, but it is administered by my doctor, so it's OK. So, if you want to help me create a master race, drop me a line. (I am assuming you know that if you are of color or a member of certain nationalities, ethnic groups, religions or are gay, that we won't get along. Just because I look like a gay ethnic person doesn't mean I like them.)

Tell everyone about what makes you part of the master race in the forums.

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I am locked and loaded

Hi, I am looking for a nice guy. The Army is dar from an easy life, and it's been hard meeting Mr. Right. I am sure he is out there though. I know I can find the guy who will want to hold my hand and look longingly in to my eyes. I am a sucker for a nice smile and a kind word. And if you try to sneak in to my bed I will shoot your pervert ass.

Tell me what you take to bed with you in the forums.

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Are they bitin'?

I want you to think VERY carefully as you read this ad. What do I want you to consider you may ask? Do you want to end up like this fish? Do you see how I have killed this shark and hung it up on a rope? Do you see how I have another hook? Just keep that in mind before you ignore my ad. I would hate for something bad to happen to you.

Tell me about the last time a guy took you out and tried to fillet you in the forums. I mean talk about it in the forum, not that he tried to fillet you in the forum. We don't let that kind of shit go on in the forums.

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Yet, to prom, I wore overalls

Hi, my name is mandy. I am a single lady looking for the right guy. My hobbies include dancing, movies, singing karaoke and putting on formal gowns, including gloves, and visiting new homes which are available for purchase. While there I like to pose for pictures to prove that I went from empty house to empty house dressed for prom. I am looking for a man with his own tux who knows how to use a digital camera. If that is you, please drop me a line.

Tell me where you like to wear your ball gowns in the forums.

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More fun with actual text

"I am God, husband of Mary, and father of our son Jesus. I didn't know you could get someone pregnant in a dream...Oh well, I'm God, I can do anything."

Huh. I would have expected God to dress a lot better.

Tell me what you think God wears, in the forum.

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And you thought a treasure trail was gross

I am looking for a hunting man. Can you track down wild creatures? Can you follow the tracks wherever they may lead? Can you follow the tracks over any terrain? Do you have experience with beaver? Can you find that fucking raccoon that ran up my leg and under my skirt? That was the last place I saw the fucker and I need a man brave enough to go in after it.

Tell us where you think the damn thing got lost, and if you think it survived, in the forums.

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Like my uniform?

I am new to this country and want to fit in, so I have abandoned my beloved futball for the wonderful American sport of Football. As you can see I am most talented at the position of quarterback. I throw the ball very well. And, when I am able to get a game, no man ever tackles me. In fact, they are never able to even lay a hand on me. Well, there was one game where one guy got to me many times, but I think it was because my teammates did not help me much. In fact, they seemed to run the opposite from the direction I would run. This is odd to me.

Come and play with me in the forum.

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I can slide, spin and climb on them

Do you know what I like? I like poles. BIG poles. I particularly like big poles that are hard as steel. Now the poles don't have to be shiny, but that is always a plus. Usually a shiny pole is a clean pole, and I really prefer a clean pole. I'd rather have no pole at all than a dirty pole. So, if you are a man who has a big, hard, shiny, clean pole, drop me a line. I'm really getting tired of just having to use whatever pole I happen to come across.

Talk about poles you've known, or even your own personal pole, in the forums.

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Just because I get facials doesn't make me gay

Why do you guys keep emailing me asking for blow jobs? No, I DO NOT give good head! I posted this ad in the "Men seeking Women section for a reason. I know I'm good looking and dress well, but that is absolutely no reason to assume I am gay! Just because some guys might be open to try new things doesn't mean we all are. So just move on to the nex at guys, and leave me to the lovely ladies. I wonder why they aren't responding...

Tell us what you like shot in your face in the forums.

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What was his name again?

I have been putting a lot of thought in to what pic to use for my ad. Ultimately, I went with the advice my friend gave me: "Use a pic that looks natural." So I thought, what kind of pic is my most natural? There are work shots, but we don't take many pictures there. And if I posted pics with my girlfriends, it could get confusing as to which one was me. Then I thought, "Where do I like to spend my time?" And it hit me. I like to be on the floor between a guy's legs. Now, I have a lot of pictures like that, but the first 6 got rejected for some sort of violation of the terms of conditions. So I had to go with this one. I hope you like it. If not, I have those others. Just ask!

Post pics of yourself that were rejected in the forums.

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How can he be single?

Ladies, have I got the man for you. Now, to be fair, I am going to use his actual text because I don't want you to just take my word for how wonderful he is.

24 year old hopeless romantic seeking a f*lthy w*ore in toronto area. if you are the type of woman who loves men, life, and has a sense of humour, i'd like to hear from you.

Post your contact info for this charming fucker in the forums.

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WTF?

OK, I know you expect me to make fun of the pic with some kind of fake ad, but this is one of those where, frankly, I am at a loss. First, there is the caption. I am opposed to captions on the pics. This is particularly true when you are talking about something where, if the text will attract anyone, it will be a serial killer looking for either a partner or a victim. Then there is the setting. What the fuck inspires people to even have their pictures taken on a toilet, let alone post it in their ad. And I have to ask, what the fuck is she doing in this pic? It looks like a public bathroom and, for some reason, she felt the urge to climb up on the toilet, and appears to have damn near fallen down in the process, so all else aside, she appears to be a clutz. In short, I just keep asking myself: What the fuck?!?

Give me one good reason why she did this in the forums.

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I'm strong enough to be your man

I am a guy who is willing to do things like hold your purse while you shop, talk to you about your feelings and even hold a sign that says "Snuggle Bunny Woo-Woo" and has a lot of hearts and stuff on it, at an airport, where I am likely to see people I know. A stupide fucking sign that makes me look like a total fucking dusche in public. A sign that embarassed me more than that time in 3rd grade when I peed my pants at school and then the teacher called me to the blackboard to do a math problem, and all the rest of the kids called me Pee-pee Petey for the rest of the year until I finally had to change schools and try to get on with my life even though it didn't really help because I was so emotionally scarred that I didn't ever really heal. I mean, it's hard for a kid, you know? But I'll do that for you. I mean, I'm fine, really. I don't mind doing it, I swear.

Tell us about your wet pants in the forum.

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Boobies! Part Deux

Oh, so she thinks she has boobs? Now these are boobs. For Christ sake I hate women who try to act like they have a big rack. They can't hold a candle to this pair. Plus, and I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything, if I go on a diet, these suckers will still be here. Can she say the same thing? I think not! So if you're a boob guy, drop ME a line, not that OTHER chick.

Post pics of your rack in the forums.

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I am not Jojo the Dogface Boy!

How can you people be so cruel? Just because I look a little different, do you have to send such cruel messages? I know I am not the best looking guy, but for Christ's sake, you are some mean motherfuckers. Well screw you all. I'll just go back to the carnival and meet women there. There I was a star!

Make up your own funny nicknames for this guy in the forums.

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Urine for a good time with me

I strongly support all efforts to clean up dating. In preperation of our date I am ready to prove I am not using any performance enhancing substances. I am hopeful that if we all work together to cleam up the dating pool that governmental intervention will not be necessary. I understand that Congressional hearings are underway but there really is no reason that we cannot address these very important concerns ourselves. This will allow congress to move on to more important issues, like the introduction of genetically modified goldfish in to pet stores.

Mind your pees and q's in the forum.

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Box or hanger?

How many times have you said to yourself that you wanted a guy that was easy to care for? Well, it doesn't get much easier than a guy you can machine wash and just throw in the dryer! That's right, I don't even require dry cleaning! Also, just so you know, no matter how many times you clean me my color won't fade, and there won't be any pilling. I will admit that if you take me out to eat too often there may be some stretching, but other than that, I am about the lowest maintainance guy you will ever find. So, take me for a spin cycle. Maybe we can have a tumble dry after our night on the town.

Give me your tips for proper care of your delicates in the forum.

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Boobies!

I have boobs! Big boobs! Look at these gigantic enormous hooters! Do you need anything besides these puppies? What, are you gay?

Boobies! (in the forum!)

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Stop calling me Special Ed!

My mommy says I am a really good boy. She says I am handsome and funny and smart. Mommy says I am the best buy in the world. She also says my helmet is really cool, and it makes me really special. So I wear my helmet everywhere I go so I can be cool all the time. That makes my mommy smile. I bet I can make you smile if we go out. I will wear my helmet so I will look good for you. Maybe mommy can come with us!


Tell me about your mommy in the forums.

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