What you see is what you get

After all, what could you want more than a guy with an enormous beer belly who likes to walk around his house in his briefs playing with his dick?

A partial list of things you could want more.

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I wrote my ad with both hands tied behind my back

Hi! Thanks for checking out my profile. We are bound to get along. That is, of course, you make me gag when I see your pic. If you're a little out of shape, that's OK. I can whip you in to shape in no time. Of course, I sometimes have to restrain myself from moving too fast. Not that I am chained to traditions or anything. Please be patient with me if it takes me a while to respond. I am often tied up.

Ya'll are making me think you're restraints are keeping you from being able to respond in the forum.

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I want you!

I was going to write a funny ad, but, seriously, what can you say about a naked cowboy with a hairy body, a sock on his cock, doing his best impersonation of Uncle Sam? And, seriously, who took the picture? I wonder if he ever came out of that closet he's in?

Did you take the pic? C'mon, fess up.

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Dum Dum Da Dum

I am so psyched for our first date. I know we don't even know each other, but I am sure it will be a night we will always remember. As you can see I bought a new dress for the occasion. I also have a great place picked out for the date. I even ordered a special dessert, which has already been prepared and is waiting for us. So drop me a line and we can go out. Oh, and be sure to give me your measurements in your initial email. I'll make sure you have something nice to wear.

Please RSVP.

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I love a man in a bow tie

I am just a regular guy looking for a regular girl. I like the normal things. I watch football. I drink beer. I hang out at the bar with my buds. Our favorite thing to do is go out when Chippendales is in town. After all, what red blooded American male doesn't like the site of oiled up muscle bound men in g-strings?

The Chippendales schedule.

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Fun with actual text 9/25/06

Yes, it's time for "Fun With Actual Text":

"Hey, Whats up? I'm Gina, 19 years old & in college. I am outgoing, fun, and shy at first. I recently quit drinking. UPDATED: I decided to just slow down on the drinking i could not quit completely it is too much fun."

Please allow me to translate.

"Hi, I'm an alcoholic. Wanna party?"

Tell me how make the perfect martini in the forums.

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Plato would approve

So many chicks just don't like my friends. You need to know we really love each other, and you can't expect me to just stop seeing them. I personally don't think that our relationships are that weird. I mean, fuck, the ancient Greeks are considered the fathers of modern civilization, and we just happen to model our friendships on our reading of the classics. What are these women, uncivilized?

Think you can do any better?

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Dr. Tom, why don't you ever call?

I'm just a cowgirl who is never more comfortable than when I'm in the stirrups. No, I don't mean my horse. I am talking about my visits to Dr. Tom Jacobson. Yeah, I admit it. I have the hots for my gyno. I get check-ups at least 4 times a year. I have faked more diseases just to get another pap smear... So, you need to understand that I will never quit seeing my beloved Dr. Tom. But I may let you give me a pelvic if you're nice.

For an appointment with Dr. Jacobson, leave a message.

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Bill Cosby he ain't

I could make something up here but let me just quote from the actual ad:

"I like pudding in my pants".

All I can say is, dude, that ain't pudding.

If you like pudding in your pants, please don't visit the forums.

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Now I ain't sayin' she's a golddigger...

If you want to be my guy let me explain something. Call me materialistic. Call me selfish. Call me superficial. But don't you dare call me if this balloon is your idea of a great gift.

Tell her what you would give her (besides a smack upside the head).

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Yaaaaaayyyyy!

Ladies, I am the guy you have been waiting for. Please don't push and shove. There's plenty of me to go around. Just look what you get if you go with me. I have kick ass piercings. I have smoking hot tats. And, best of all, I have big boy hair!

If you know where Ed left his helmet, leave a message.

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Barf

Frankly folks, I just don't know what to say. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go puke.

Talk amongst yourselves.

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Never seen black dental floss before

Come and get some. You know you want me. I WILL help you fulfill that "sex on a beach" fantasy. I spend a lot of time at the beach. For some reason the lifeguards always tell me never to come back though. I wonder why that is?

Help this guy understand.

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Kneel down my child

OK guys, I just ask that ya'll be patient with me. Ever since I posted this new picture I have had so many responses to my ad that I just can't keep up! I swear I just don't know what I am going to do. But I promise to get to you all as soon as possible. I just wish I had known how much you guys would like this pic. I'd have posted it a long time ago. Wish I knew why you liked it so much.

If you know why guys like this pic so much, tell me in the forums.

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Fun with actual text: 9/15/06

"I'm very into over the knee spanking!!! What are you into?"

Well, damn ladies. Doesn't the idea of this studly kung fu master, with George Michael's haircut from his Wham! days, taking you over his knee and spanking you make you wet? Didn't think so.

Oh well. We'll always have the forum.

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Squeeze, don't thump

My friend and I are looking for people like us who are really in to melons. We LOVE to hold and squeeze our melons. We even like holding each other's melons. Now my friend, she likes to "do things" with the melons. I usually play along. After all, it's all in good fun. So, would you like to come and play with our melons?

Share your melon recipes in the forum.

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I will do it

Bitches. You best go out with me. If you don't, the monkey gets it! You do not want that on your conscience, believe me. And I will do it. Don't you dare doubt my comittment to getting this date. I have killed before and I will do it again.

Do what he says. He told me he is going to start killing the stuffed animals of forum posters.

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Meow

I am a cat girl, so dog guys need not apply. You need to be sensitive to the fact my little pussy cat means the world to me. I hope you are a nice guy who likes to rub his belly and play with him. Of course you also need to know he is very finicky. He is very picky about who, I mean what, he eats. And, of course, if he doesn't like you then it really won't work for us. In fact, lots of times when he didn't like a guy I leave the room for a few minutes and when I come back the guys are just gone! And those bastards really seem to make a mess before they leave. I wonder why?

If you like pussy cats, tell me why in the forums.

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I said winch, not wench

I don't need much in a relationship. Pretty much I like a laid back chick with a good heart. Looking good is a plus, but I don't need a supermodel by any means. I like a woman who knows what she wants in life, but there is no reason why a woman should feel like she needs to make huge bucks to be with me. I really do have simple wants and needs. Well, except one thing. I really could use a woman who has a pick-up truck with a winch on it. And the sooner the better.

If you like mud, tell me why in the forum.

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Nice tiara

Yes, I work hard for my money. Hard for it honey. I work hard for my money so you better treat me right. And, of course, by treat me right I mean you had better come with cash and jewels, because I ain't about no cheap ass suckas.

Yeah, I know... but if you post an ad with cash in your hand...

Got a problem with what I said, bitch at me in the forum.

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At least the last naked apron guy had a good body!

I was going to post an ad pointing out how this dorky looking guy is standing naked in his kitchen except for an apron. I was considering pointing out that he must not be too concerned with anything getting singed, so we can make certain assumptions about what is under the apron. I even considered poking fun at his haircut and the fact his legs are a little hairier than the average chimp. Then I read the text of his ad.

On top of all these winning traits, ladies, this guy is taken! That's right. He says he is looking to get some on the side! So you may want to hurry up and get some. Heaven knows there will be a line of ladies looking to have meaningless sex with this stud. I'll start a forum thread for interested ladies.

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Something a little different

Tonight we have a special set of pics. Having been gone for a few days it's important to come back with something good, and what could be better than playing matchmaker. So...


Here we have our lucky lady. See how she takes such good care of her teeth?


And see our lucky bachelor? Wow, he seems serious about dental hygiene too!


So, boy, meet girl. Girl, meet boy. Have fun and tell us how it goes. Maybe post in the forum.

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