Not the only way I'm 2 fisted baby

I was thinking about you. I was sitting here in this bakery, saw they had beer, and not only got myself one, but grabbed you one as well. In fact, I waited a good 3 or 4 minutes for you to show up. So, because I was afriad it was going to get warm, I just drank it myself. In fact, I sat at the table drinking both of them at the same time. Some people kind of gave me strange looks, but screw them I liked the beer. And where the hell were you?


Because women like nothing more than a man who thinks ahead and drinks 2 beers at once.

Looks like a record to me

I have to post this pic because it shows what I certainly don't want in a guy. I know what you're thinking: "Hey, there's no guy in that pic", and you're right. There was, however, a guy taking the picture. And, well, he thought it would be really fun to whip out his dick. OK, that was kind of gross. Then he started to jerk off, which was just wrong. Bit then to spooge all over my friend's face (yes, it's a LOT of spooge). So, basically, what I want is a guy who won't whit it out ang spooge all over my friends. I hope I'm not asking for too much.


Frankly, I am just impressed at the sheer volume.

I may have to write these rules down

Yeah, once again this one is just going to have to stand on it's own. I've already made it very clear that you should never add text to to your picture. I shouldn't have to elaborate to the extent that said comments should not refer to prospective dates as "doggies".

Oh, and 2005...really?

Frankly, I don't get why I'm not getting more response to my ad. Here I am, an attractive blond in a freaking bikini, and all I get is people complaining because I can't spell Costa Rica and because I'm married. Why, exactly, does it matter that I can't spell? Jeez, I was drunk. Give it a rest!


Yeah, I'm taking pot shots at someone who's married but posts a personal ad "just looking for friends. Maybe that's because it's like going to a pig farm looking for a rabbi.

You make the joke tonight

I'll admit it. This pic has me stumped. I tried and tried to write an ad. There's just too much to work with here. Do I bring up the famous quote from Winston Churchill "The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy and the lash."?¹ What about the FedEx hat and a "deliveries in the rear" joke? Hell, what is he doing with his right hand and why is he smiling if he is really trying to get away but has been trapped by that locked gate? There is so much here I am having a virtual overload here! I'll just let y'all decide which joke to go with, or even make your own. Hell, post it as a comment. I don't care.

¹Yes I know he didn't really say it, but I hear he wish he did.

Actual Text: July 26 Edition

love shoot pool and love have sex a lot play with my kids and my gf love me and i love by the way i love love


I think I'll let this one stand on it's own.

More radioactive love

I have heard that this is a place that will accept people like me. It's not our fault we were exposed to massive doses of radioactivity. It's so hard to find a woman who is understanding and doesn't mind the fact that I glow in the dark and cannot pass through airport security without getting the TSA all up in arms. I'm just so glad to find a place where I can reach out for the female companionship I so crave without being mocked.


Well, OK... so I am mocking him.

Can you say skank?

You know, just because I choose to post a pic showing not only the tops of my stockings, but my panties, does NOT make me a slut. It's the fact that I put out on every date I go on that makes me a slut!


I swear that my first thought was that some guy was trying to get a date for his Real Doll because he just couldn't keep up with her in the sack.

How many rules does this one ad break?

Ladies, as if the fact I am clearly well put together, and also have some serious fashion sense (see my stylish headgear?) weren't enough, you must have noticed my most important feature: my huge plunger. Yes, it is a truly large plunger. And in case you're wondering, yes, I do know how to use it. I can truly plunge the deepest depths. I can remove whatever may be blocking your pipes. And, seriously, isn't a plunger more gentle than a roto-rooter?


Insert your own snarky comment here. Frankly, I think the plunger speaks for itself.

Honesty really is the best policy

All I can say is that my dating life would have been a lot easier if more women believed in this kind of truth in advertising.

I am not a man to be taken lightly

Ladies, I have 2 things to say. First, I am once again available. Yes, that's right, I am on the market. So your chance has come.

Second, and pay very close attention to this. If you break my heart I WILL make your head vanish. I'm serious. I can do it. See these two? We were supposed to meet for drinks and they didn't show up. Now they know better. As you can see, they are very prompt when we have an appointment now. So, I suggest you think very carefully about how you treat me. You wouldn't want this to happen to you.


This one seriously does scare me. I mean, the whole face thing is one thing (it's called cropping people) but that expression kind of reminds me of that kid from the old Twilight Zone that sent people that pissed him off "to the corn".

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I figured I might as well just post my pic the way you are likely to see me if we go out. See, I'm narcoleptic. It was bound to come up eventually so I am just laying my cards on the table. So, if we go out, don't be surprised if I just suddenly doze off. It happens. Don't take it personally. It doesn't mean you're boring. Well, it probably doesn't mean your boring. On the other hand if you are boring, it just might be your fault. Regardless, I have a simple demand. If I fall asleep on our date keep your fucking hands off me!


You know, she's really kind of cute. It's too bad she has a sleep disorder. I have one too, but it just means I don't ever feel like getting out of bed. Anyway, I wonder if she snores?

Actual Text: July 19th Edition

Just moved to (edited to protedct the monkey fucker), loving life out there. Working hard, partying harder. I wouldn’t mind meeting a beautiful woman who is not a Pirate Hooker.



Frankly, I don't think you can put your pic on the net, on a personals site, which lists your location, while trying to protect your identity. Then again, I don't see what's so bad about a beautiful woman who just happens to be a pirate hooker.
(And the beastiality tag is a personal favorite. You'd be amazed how many of the people that come to Scary Personals from Google Image Search are searching for bestiality. I think it's second only to bukakke. And a shitload of people spell it wrong, so I have to use both spellings. Ya'll are some sick fucks who really should learn the right way to spell your perversion.)

I wasn't like this before I vacationed in Iran

WANTED: Understanding woman who has her own protective anti-radiation suit. Must be comfortable dealing with occasional radiation sickness and glowing in the dark (having a sleep mask a big plus). Working nights and sleeping during the day has generally worked best. Also must not be easily disturbed by seeing her own bones when in close proximity. Very interested in hot nuclear physicists.



New rule, in addition to no photoshopping or adding your own text, do not utilize odd image manipulation tools.

Why do they hate us again?

Frankly I just don't get women. Here I am in Iraq and do the ladies give me any play? Hell no. I tried local attire but they still aren't interested. Surely they recognize my very friendly "hang loose" hand gesture, which I use when out on patrol. Even when I do get one to come back to the base with me they get all offended by the pictures of American babes on my wall. It's just ridiculous. I can't wait to get back to The States and women that make sense.

I'm gonna keep wearing the robes and shit though.


I am all for supporting our troops, but seriously, I have to think this guy would manage to look as much like a douche if he was posting his ad from the US, And he'd probably still make the stupid hand gesture.

I was gonna post a snarky fake ad, but ...

But, seriously, is it just me or does she have some sort of fungus growing all over her body?

Mom warned you it would freeze like that

I need help. This thing around my neck is WAYYYYYY too tight. It's cutting off the blood to my brain. It's all I can do to type this ad. And my braces... I swear the rubber bands are all messed up or something because my mouth is stuck like this.

What I am looking for is a woman who can accept me the way I am, understands that my mouth will probably get better after I see the orthodontist, and who has a pair of scissors to cut this damn thing off my neck. Are you that woman? I certainly hope so.


Yeah, making fun of his nose would have just been too easy. Besides, it's wrong to pile on.

Look closely at this guy

I have standards. As you can see, if you don't meet my standards you won't get anywhere with me. So I ask you to do this. Look at the man in this picture. Do you look better than he does? Do you really? Because if you don't, don't waste my time. I'm serious here. It wasn't just his bad breath that made me turn my head, although it was pretty rank. This tool just doesn't measure up. So look in the mirror. Are you any better? Are you sure?


I swear we've seen this girl before. I'm too fucking lazy to check the archives and find out, but I swear I've seen her before.

So much to say...

Look at me! Sooooooo sexy! My stylish scarf! My plunging neckline! My pouty lips!

And my hat! Oh my hat! Look at the rakish angle to which I tilt my hat. Stylish AND cool!

You know you want me, and, believe it or not, you can have me! Really! I'm available! Can you believe that?


OK, I admit it. I had a hard time with this one. Where, exactly, do you start when a pic gives you so much to work with?

Actual text: July 6 edition

I like pizza, I like bagels, I like hot dogs with mustard and beer I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Who's that baby deer on the lawn there?




OK, I am not going to comment on how most women I know wouldn't be turned on by a guy who like to kill baby deer. I won't even make the obvious hot dog joke. But I will ask a simple question:

What the fuck is this guy talking about?


(Yes, I know it's just a dumb quote from the Simpsons)