Airsickness bags can be found...

Just look at this bitchin bod. I work hard on this, but I am not all about working out. There is 15 minutes on Tuesday just waiting for you. And, I swear I didn't shit while they took this picture. Not much anyway.

Guys...you know what I had to do to get all these beads. Just imagine what I do for dinner and a movie!

OK...I guess my last photo had something wrong with it. There were so many people saying that I was abusing my dog. Nothing could be further from the truth! I love my dog. I mean I REALLY love my dog.

This is the most recent photo I have. Sorry. I am not nearly as friendly to lions anymore. In fact, I kind of hate lions now. They tell me that the proshthetics look almost real though, and I am pretty sure the scars will fade eventually.

You know...this one just stands on it's own.

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How can these people be single?

Man, I need a chick, you know? I mean, like, I REALLY need a chick. Like, there is this strange gray thing floating around my house, and it's freaking me out! I don't know what it is, but I think the government sent it. What was I talking about again? Oh, yeah...I need a chick, you know?




I am a Man on the Moon, looking for love. I spend most of my time at my job as a Pet Detective, but that job is just The Mask, I wear. In my free time I do things that are Dumb and Dumber. And I know it looks like I use roids, but I swear I don't. My nuts have always been this size.




Just look at this clean close shave! You know you want a guy like me! I can assure you, there won't be any hair in your teeth baby. What you need to be is sweet, caring, and good with a razor. I need a woman I can trust. Are you that woman?




It's real simple guys. If you can make me make this face, you're in. Otherwise, you're out. Any questions?




I am a loving and caring man. I like nothing more than sharing my love with my lady. I like kittens, my herb garden and writing poetry. I think that a man has to be sensitive to be strong. I am also a peaceful soul looking for my partner. Oh, and if you cheat on me, I'm gonna smoke your cheating whore ass.

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Hey baby, I am yout treasure. Just follow the trail to my pot of gold. Be prepared though because I am a real woman. No little girl here. Real women have pubes baby, and you can use mine to floss every night if you are the guy.

You need a guy like me. When I'm not taking long walks on the beach or romancing my woman by candlelight. I like to go out on love maneuvers. Baby when I put on my camos of romance you won't know what hit you. My love bazooka is ready for you.

I need a woman that loves animals as much as I do. There is nothing more precious than the love between a man and his dog. I treasure the time I spend loving my dog, caressing my dog, loving on my dog. I REALLY love this dog. Nobody who is jealous of the dog need apply. To be honest, I really don't need you because I have my dog. Damn I love this dog!

I am a confident guy looking to get over the woman seated to my left (your right). I know she looks like she is was too hot to have been with me, but, trust me, she never deserved a man as good as me. And I know she looks like she had a smoking body, but she really didn't There were these moles and she had this birthmark. NASTY! I am looking for someone better, so hit mu up hotties, if you think you measure up.

I am tired of aggressive women. As you can see I seem to be dating women that really don't know how to treat a man. I bet you won't beat me with a bat, tie me to your bumpre and drag me behind your car while honking your horn and letting out a series of louad rebel yells. But if you have to, I understand that sometimes a lady has those moments, and that's OK too.

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Real quick

No pic for this one...but:

my name Cameron in the military and was wondering if there was a god girl out there that wouldnt mind me being a bad boy when i get back.OH THIS MAN IS MARRIED AND CHEATING BEHIND HER BACK AND HIS TWO NEWBORN GIRLS HES A LIAR YOU DONT WANT HIM

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You know you want him

I know I normally pick on several people, but today we are going to focus on just one guy. Not one ad…but one guy.

Here we have a guy that has got to have 100 profiles. As I don’t personally surf the guys' ads, and I had no idea where he lives so I couldn’t really do the research even if I wanted to, so I can’t really say how big his impact is on the site. But I am betting that the women in his hometown have about a one in 3 chance of having him pop-up as a guy for them to consider.


I base this on the fact that, when he posts ads, he comes up about every tenth ad I have to review. Imagine this for just a second. When I am moderating ads I cannot limit based on gender, sexuality, age or location. But this guy’s various ads make up about 10% of the ads I am reviewing. There are hundreds of people that moderate these ads, so who knows how many he has posted. And each of these pics represents a seperate ad. It's not like I took all the pics from one ad. It's one pic per ad for Christ's sake!

The ads caught my eye at first because, well, they are pathetic. I’m sorry, but the guys doing the bodybuilder poses look like total tools to me. I give him props for not posing with his shirt off, but, with how much of an attention whore he is I am willing to bet that he has some horribly disfiguring scars that he thinks would hurt his chances with the ladies. I am betting they are truly revolting.


I kind of regret not saving the first picture he submitted over, and over, and over. In that one he was posing with his back to the camera doing the whole bicep bulge thing. As you know, I find that really cheesy. I found it extremely cheesy the 20th time I saw the pic. The cheesiness increased as it showed up repeatedly over about a week.

I mean, it’s one thing if you happen to be searching for “fuzzy handcuffs, spanking, forearms and kinky”. You would expect to see the same guy over and over because, let’s be honest, how many people have those keywords? (BTW, if you know the answer to that question I really don’t want you to tell me.”) But when you have every possible person on a huge site showing up and you get to where you recognize someone, something is just wrong.


Hell, it’s bad enough that, in an effort to find the aforementioned bicep pic I actually stopped writing to see if it would happen to pop up in the moderation. It took about 5 minutes. (That’s how I know the keywords you pervert.) Unfortunately a quick search with those keywords didn’t come up with those pictures, although there are way too many guys listing “fuzzy handcuffs”, and the guys that list “spanking” really scared me.

I can’t really decide if he is a narcissist or just desperate for affirmation, but, regardless, lets give him what he wants!

So here you have it. The greatest stud on the planet (just ask him).

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These are all real

I had mentioned before I had some ads with the actual text saved up. So far these are my favorites of those. Of course, I couldn't resist a few comments of my own.

Not looking for your average Paris Hilton bimbo. My kind of women would be apreciated, monogomouse, gentle, and soft hearted with some moral fiber in her body. I think flaws make up a women, and if she's the women for you her flaws with grow on you.

I remember Monogamouse. Wasn't he Mickey's boring cousin? It is nice to know though that there is a guy looking for flawed women, even if he may be the one person too dumb for Paris Hilton.

New peeve: people that say they smoke tobacco, drink alcohol and coffee, but don't do drugs. Morons! Nicotine, alcohol and caffine are drugs.

I always find it to be a great approach to call potential dates "Morons!". I also find women love to be called "cunt", "twat" and "whore".

saw your photo and my heart skipped 2 beats and was wondering if we can go out sometime

Not one beat...TWO beats. Plus, I promise to wear my best helmet for our date! I kinda hope he put the text in his ad by mistake because it would really worry me if his heart skipped 2 beats after he saw my photo.

Hi ya My name's Matt. I'm like a Mushroom.........A FUN GUY to be with. I'm 32 & a bit of a nutter magnet. So come on you nutters get in touch. By the way it's not how big ya pencil is it's how you write your name!

I am SHOCKED that a guy who is "like a mushroom" would be a "nutter magnet". But I do think it takes a brave man to admit in his personal ad that he has a small dick.

my name is lacy and i live in cali...fo sho! i am getting married in a month and a half and my goal is to look like this again, but im 20 lbs away...lol...i love my life and im happy...of course!

OK then. Be sure to look me up after the divorce. Oh, and after you lose the 20 pounds.

imagine getting your fingertips chopped off because of a girl, then that girl leaving you a week later because some jerk tells her that your cheating on her even though your not. i wish i can escape this surreal dream

OK. I don't need to add anything here.

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You gotta be kidding

It's time to make fun of some more pics:

Yeah, I want a man that thinks he can take this title belt from me. Are you man enough you pencil necked geek? I'm going to wrap your spine around the ring post! When I'm done with you you will have to hire a team of nurses! I also like fine french cuisine and vacationing in Aruba. xxxooo

Wanted, my personal prince...of darkness. I need a man that can summon the inner demon in me and make me wail like a banshee. There is no limit to how much sacrifice I am willing to undertake. You must make my heart race and my blood flow, because that's what I am going to do for you.

Baby, you know you'll be my only love. Sure I have lots of other ho's, I mean ladies, but you're the only one that matters. I will take care of all your needs. Why would one of my ladies need cash? Just give me my money bitch! I mean, honey, let me take all those trivial worries about cash off your hands. A fine lady like you don't need to worry about such petty things.

Every woman needs a man that can provide, and baby, I am that guy. Just look at ma fish! That is one fine fish I caught. You know any man that can catch a bass like that will take good care of you. At least you will never go hungry. Must be up for early mornings and be able to cook, especially fish. I have ma own boat, and it's sweet, but if you think you have a better one you're gonna have to prove it.

Hi. I recently returned from a tour in Iraq. I am looking for a woman to help me enjoy being back in civilization. As you can see I am a fighter pilot, which makes me a better man than the guy you are with now. I know this isn't the best picture. I swear it is me. But our flight suits kind of make it look like we have pasted our heads on someone else's body. But it's really me, I swear. Why would I lie?

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And you wonder why I am still single

Please tell me these are jokes:

Hi. I'm married, which is why I have on this wedding dress. I only want friends because, well, I'm married. I love my husband I swear, but I posted a personal ad because I want to make some guy friends. I swear that's all I'm doing because I'm married.

Wanted: Woman who will love my body as much as I love my body. Must be proficient with tape measurer, especially in the area of bicep management (which is hard for me to do for myself). I would like you to have as fine a body as I do, but, then again, you wish your body was as fine as mine too!

Help! My hand is stuck this way from too much...well, it's just stuck this way. I need a girlfriend according to my doctor. That or to become ambidexterous.

Baby, you know you want me! Let me take you back in time, about 20 years back. Feel my heat baby! I bet you'll look sweet in my Monsters of Rock t-shirt, if you're worthy of it that is. Must be comfortable living in basement and spending lots of time in the garage with me and the band. Prefer stripper, but willing to consider porn stars.

My previous "boyfriend" is going to be gone for 3-5 years. In the mean time, I am looking for a new guy that can help me "manage". I am definitely a "night person". In fact, I am quite the "lady of the evening". If interested, meet me outside the 7-11 on Elm.

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Nazi Oompa Loompas?

Here we are finally getting over the hangover from hell. I have to admit it's not my worst ever, but it is up there. Now I don't even know if I'm stihang-overver or just getting sick. A massage would probably help if I knew a masseuse. I mean a real massage though. Not one of those happy ending deals. OK. I'd accept the happy ending, but that wouldn't be the purpose of the massage. (For the record, I only take massages from women I'd want to bang. It just works better if you happen to sport some wood. That way you don't have to be embarassed by it, and if they take a hand's on approach, it's all good.)

This is not helping me meet women to say the least. It makes even looking at personal ads a chore. Actually it's already a chore. Half the time I can't make myself actually read the text. Sometimes it has useful information, but usually it's useful in that it tells you to stay the hell away from the person. But the fact is most people just can't write. That's cool. You just have to get to know them some other way.

But I have spent some time moderating ads. The nice thing there is all I have to do is see if the ad violates any rules. It's pretty easy. And every now and then you come across something interesting. I'm not talking about some Hottie to hit up because the thing I review doesn't tell me where they are from (although I do like seeing some of the pics). Instead, there is some funny ass shit.

First, I am amazed that people can't figure out to either get a red-eye reduction camera or at least do a little touch up. I am seeing pics where these people look like fucking demons. In the past that may not have been an issue, but I plan on avoiding demons from now on.



OK, I'd have probably avoided her anyway. I don't date anyone who's the same shade as an Oompa Loompa.

But the guys seem to be the one's with real problems when it comes to choosing pics.



The guys also seem to have a problem knowing what impresses the ladies. This goes beyond the no shirt look (Although the girl that wrote in her profile "If I see one more guy without his shirt I'm going to gag. It's patehetic, really." said it better than I ever could.). Guys have limited space and use it telling you the specs of their car. But it gets worse when you look at the pics:


Baby, have I got a great idea for something we can do on our big date...


Well, after a few of these I bet he can't make a 4 foot tall pyramid of beer cans.

Listen, I am all about the fun, and I am clearly not normally averse to alcohol. I've done more than a few beer bongs, and I am sure there are pics of me doing one somewhere. (Never made the giant beercan pyramid though) But If I have just one pic to try to catch a lady's eye, it won't be one that screams alcoholic. Granted it's harder to get away with that at 35 than it was at 19, but I don't get it.

Women seem to be much more clever in their pic choices:



See, in her profile she swears she's actually skinny and the pic is just funny, but I'm not buying it. I'm not even convinced that is really a gag mirror. Either way, she has it made. If you do see her and she is chunky it's not like you didn't see a pic. And guys may just be dumb enough to fall for the idea that the pic is just for fun.

And then there are the nightmares. I tried hard to find the one that looked like she wants to sacrifice your baby to Satan, but didn't have any luck. (You have no idea what I had to go through looking for her pic, by the way) But I did come across this guy.


Huh, Interests? Fighting for a White Nation with my fellow comrades. Staying late at the pub and getting into brawls.

And lest you think I am making fun of this guy unfairly, that is an actual quote from his profile. I doubt a man can be more loving than when he is burning a cross in the nwighbor's yard or jumping a small Indonesian kid walking out of the liquor store.

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