Seen my recent Hustler spread?

I am a woman who knows what she likes, and what I like is licking things. Now, if you were to respond to my ad and give me something else to lick perhaps I wouldn't be reduced to taking off my top and trying to lick my own nipples. Maybe we can help each other out, provided you have something for me to lick. And, if you don't, well...

Tell her what you want her to lick in the forums.

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Yes, this was his actual text

"let me lick your pussy---clean Um dos mais modos de primoroso de alcançar orgasmo é pela arte gentil de cunnilingus. A suavidade molhada do lips e língua são usadas para estimular os clitóris em uma variedade de modos deliciosos."

You can add something if you want to.

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I'm at a loss

I really don't know what to say about this one. Sorry.

If you aren't speechless too, post in the forum.

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I'm a statue of NO limitations

You know you want me. Just look at this body! It's as if my hard form were chiseled out of stone. And, trust me when I tell you, I am ALWAYS hard. In fact, with a body like this I just have to walk around naked. I even cook naked. So, ladies, come get yourself some of what I'm cooking.

-love

David

Tell me what you wear to cook in the forums.

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Safety first

I think you need to know something about me. I will not have sex without protection. I mean, hell, if I didn't wear protection who knows what the hell I could get in my hair?

Hell, I dunno. Just go to the forums.

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My underwear says "dufus"

I believe in truth in advertising. I am a dork. Take me as I am or move on to the next guy. Dorks of the world, unite!

I know this ad isn't worthy of the pic, but if you can do better post it in the forums.

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I'm just guessing here

Just because I post pictures of myself on the Internet wearing lingerie with my hands covering the fact that I don't shave down there and the fact that despite how hard I try I can't really tuck well enough to pull this off while wearing enough make-up for two dozen streetwalkers does not mean I am a tranny slut. No, it's the fact that I screwed 12 guys in one 3 hour stretch over Memorial Day while dressed like Little Bo Peep that makes me a tranny slut.

Play a game of "Spot the Adam's Apple" in the forums.

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Look, up in the attic!

Faster than an elderly dachshund. More powerful than a toy train. Able to leap Lego buildings in a single bound. It's SuperDork! That's right, SuperDork. Creepy visitor from down the street who came to your house with powers and abilities far less impressive than those of normal men! SuperDork, who can change the course of running sprinklers, bend pipe cleaners in his bare hands, and who, disguised as Dick Trickle, mild-mannered cashier for a national hamburger chain, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and to find a woman willing to sleep with him!

Did you notice he is covering his package? Notice he only needs one hand? Tell me why, in the forums.

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I like camels

I have a simple request guys. Can we at least wait till our first date before you start to tell me you want to fuck me? I have no idea what would make you think I am some sort of easy slut, but I most certainly am not. In fact, I am offended at how crude you guys are. There is simply no reason to treat a lady like this.

Answer this poor girls question in the forums.

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It was too obvious

Aren't you glad you use Sure^TM?

Don't you wish this guy did?

Lalalalalala, in the forums.

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Look in to my eyes...

Look in to my eyes. You are getting sleepy... sleepy... sleepy. You want to be my boyfriend. You want to take me out to dinner. You want to bring me flowers. All of your money should be spent pleasing me. You love me. You will do as I wish. When you wake up you will not remember what I have ordered, but you will follow my instructions.

You will go to the forums. You will comment. You will PayPal me $5...

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It's got me!

Help me! I don't know what the hell it is but a giant black fuzzy thing has climbed on my back and it's trying to get me! Help me, please!

Explain to me why this man has a giant black thing on his back in the forums.

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I bet she robbed the joint

I really don't know what to put for this one. I just have to ask:

Why the hell is she reclining on the bed of a pink-up truck wearing a gown but no shoes, parked outside the drive-up for my bank?

And, seriously, that's my fucking bank.



Make up your own fucking ad in the forums.

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Why would you want something boring like flowers?

I think that a guy should never show up to a first date empty handed. When you get to her door you want to make a good impression. Some guys bring flowers. Others bring chocolates. Me, I like to be more original. I mean, you can get flowers at the freaking grocery store for Christ's sake. Well, I guess you could get one of these at the grocery store too, but it would be wrapped in plastinc and usually frozen. I think you deserve better than that. Besides, wouldn't you rather have something I took care of with my own two hands?

Guess the weight of the turkey in the forums.

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Am I getting through?

1) Of course it's for life. For Christ's sake, we can't change our ethnicity. It's not like I can decide; "You know, from now on I'm going to be Maori."

2) Stop putting captions on your fucking personals ad pictures!

You make up an ad in the forums. I'm getting a drink.

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Notice, no umbrella in my drink!

I am the man of your dreams. It's not just my rakish good looks, my fashion sense or the fact that my piercing gaze is so overpowering I have to wear sunglasses even at night. No, it's that I am all about class. I make it a point to hang out at only the most respectable establishments, where I do only the classiest things. I mean, you won't find me any place sleazy.

Oh, and, no I did not puke on my shirt before this pic was taken. Someone else did.

Invite me to your Free Topless Party in the forums.

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Not even gonna try

I don't even know where to start. First, who are you people that are not only taking cameras in to public bathrooms, but are actually taking pictures while you're there? I will state, for the record, if I am in a bathroom and someone starts snapping pictures, I am going to have to smash the fucking piece of shit. Second, what is she doing in a public bathroom that is causing her to make that face. Since we can't see behind her, perhaps it's not what she's doing, it's what's being done to her!

If you know what the fuck is going on, tell me in the forums.

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Perhaps you remember me from Night Court

I have found there are 2 things chicks dig. First, they like a man who is clean. Second, chicks dig chest hair. As you can see, I am the guy for both these needs. I actually spend fully 7 hours a day in the shower. How else can one maintain that "fresh out of the shower smell" that turns on the babes. As for the chest hair? Well, not all guys are as blessed as I am. In fact, even I have had to work to achieve this kind of thick and healthy chest hair. I make sure to use the right supplements and medications to encourage ample hair growth. Granted this does mean I have to spend a lot of time cleaning out the shower drain, but, in those 30 minutes I am available for love every day, watch out!

Does Rogaine help with chest hair? If you have the answer, tell me in the forums.

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He's so sweet

In my life I have had some problems with guys. You see, guys I date tend to be assholes. Finally, a friend told me I didn't need a man; I needed a dog. Dogs are loyal, affectionate and protective. Oh, and when a guy treats me like shit this dog will rip out his motherfucking throat! So, wanna go out?

Tell me what you think makes a good dog, er, boyfriend, in the forums.

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Don't they ever learn?

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Don't add a caption to your picture!

And, for the record, if you have to tell people you "ain't a fool", chances are, you're a fool.

Let's list all the reasons he IS a fool, in the forums.

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Mine's bigger than yours

Gentlemen, I need a guy who is secure in his size. No, I don't mean the size of his cock. I am not talking about weight. This is about porn. See, usually when guys find out I am in to porn they think it's cool. They like knowing that their chick not only won't make them get rid of their pornstash, she'll share hers. But then they see my collection. Sure they start off a little jealous. But before long they feel intimidated by the enormity of it. It's everywhere in my house. I used to try to keep it put away and organized, but it's taken a life of it's own. So, as we're going at it we usually end up rolling on my Playboy collection. But if you get stains on Ms. October I'm gonna gave to kick your ass.

How much porn do you own? Tell us in the forums.

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Yes, I am locked and loaded

Like most ladies, I am sure you want a guy that makes you feel safe. I am that man. As you can see, it would take a really brave man to mess with my woman. I will stay at my post 24/7 if that is what it takes for you to feel safe. And if anyone tries to get through that door, I assure you I will smoke the fucker. My last girlfriend said I was smothering her but I am sure that was just an excuse. She probably didn't feel like she deserved me. Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Tell me why you think you need a personal armed guard for a boyfriend in the forums.

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